m e d i a
. . .
the looking glass
. . .
. . .
. . .
Character Acting takes a toll on your career.
Method Acting takes a toll on your sanity.
Star Wars: Episodes 7-9
It has recently come to my attention that George Lucas never intended a third trilogy.
This distresses and depresses me.
I was kinda lookin forward to a mature Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill)
while Han Solo (Harrison Ford) n Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) are parents to the next generation of Jedi
- even an animated Yoda can offer sage wisdom from the other side.
How bout this: the Emperor may be gone, but he set up a school for the Sith, who must now be stopped.
Arguably one of John Carpenter's best films - n still plays well today, though made in 84.
The title character (Jeff Daniels) can possibly come back from beyond
to visit love interest (Karen Allen) and their human-alien hybrid kid, who would be about 20 by now.
The good guy scientist (Charles Martin Smith) can still be in SETI
which is no longer a government agency (yes, in real life), being entirely privately funded
- also, something can be in there about SETI@home, alien abductions, Area 51 .......
Ferris Bueller's Week Off
Ferris Bueller's Day Off and The Breakfast Club
both take place in suburban Chicago (also Wayne's World, hmm)
- but this time around, Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) needs to lighten up a bit,
and is dragged on some madcap adventure against his will, by the rest of the main cast:
real life wife Sarah Jessica Parker (with Sex in the City cameos)
- neurotic buddy Cameron (Alan Ruck) is now the mastermind
- Ferris' girlfriend Sloane Peterson (Mia Sara), is now Cameron's wife,
and they have a couple troublemaker kids ..... segue into revisiting high school:
Ben Stein returns as the civics teacher who hasn't aged a day (still taking attendance, same boring lecture)
- Principal Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones), and his secretary Grace (Edie McClurg), still in the same jobs
- the Maitre'd (Jonathan Schmock) and the Garage Attendants (Richard Edson, Larry Flash Jenkins)
- Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez, brothers in real life, replicate that on screen:
the former criminal, now cop having married Ferris' sister (Jennifer Grey),
and the former jock, now used car salesman and football coach
having hooked up with Alison, the Basket Case (Ally Sheedy), now Cameron's boss
- Bender "The Criminal" (Judd Nelson) as the new Saturday detention babysitter
- Claire (Molly Ringwald) can be a cheerleading coach or art teacher, or both;
- Brian Ralph Johnson (Anthony Michael Hall) as Ferris' boss, giving Ferris a hard time
- Richard "Dick" Vernon (Paul Gleason) who was so touched by the letter at the end of Breakfast Club,
that he changed his life, became a monk, and now has a major spiritual "chill out" message
- to expand on the question in the original, "what do you think Ferris will do for a living?"
and then have him somehow be a fry-cook at Venus for a couple minutes, as a cover.
We have stuffed
many beautiful pinatas
for your birthday celebration!
How many pinatas?
Many pinatas, many!
Would you say I have
a plethora of pinatas?
Yes, El Guapo...
You have a plethora.
Jefe... what is a plethora?
Why, El Quapo?
Well, I would just like to know
if you know what a plethora is
- because you believe
I have a plethora.
I would not like to think
that someone could say
that someone else
has a plethora
- and that someone
does not know
what a plethora is.
Sorry El Guapo.
I, Jefe, do not have
your superior intellect
Could it be
you are angry
and are looking to
take it out on me?
Like what Jefe?
Maybe it's because
you are turning 40 today?
Is it because
Carmen would rather
sleep in her cell
than with you?
Just take her!
When you want the cattle,
you just take the cattle!
When you want the food,
you just take the food!
When you want a woman,
you just take the woman...
Jefe, you do not
You cannot force open
the petals of a beautiful flower.
You must wait for the flower
to open itself to you!
When do you think Carmen
will open up her flower to you?
Tonight or I will kill her!!!
Things That Never
Happen in Star Trek
- They seek out new life and new civilizations without soap operas or space battles.
- A real Star Trek fan controls the franchise, and begins producing episodes with worthy plots.
- The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
- The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field known as the Twilight Zone.
- A mysterious energy field turns out to be frozen bilge / biological waste from an earlier episode / series.
- Geordi adapts his visor technology to the ships sensors cuz he's sick of all those damn headaches every time they encounter a mysterious energy field.
- During an ion storm, Riker and Worf don their spacesuits and take out a shuttlecraft. Later, faint com traffic distinctly detects the phrase, "Surf's up!"
- The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
- The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
- They encounter a non-humanoid alien species who is not zillions of aeons more evolved than us - or one that's differential from Earthlings by something other than a mutant skin condition.
- They encounter an alien species which uses flying saucers exclusively, and appears gray with big black almond eyes.
- They happen to run into the aliens that abducted us for centuries and find out why they did it, what pyramids are really for, what their fascination is with bovine genitalia, and what the symbols in all those crop circles really mean.
- The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
- The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
- An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
- A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
- A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
- The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
- Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
- The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
- The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
- The Enterprise encounters a hostile alien and disables their vessel by uploading a computer virus called, "we come in peace."
- The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
- A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
- The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
- The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
- The Enterprise encounters a planet that is a mirror of 20th century Earth, except that no one speaks English.
- The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
- While traveling back in time, they affect history in such a way that they suddenly recall having read about in school.
- Trapped on Earth, in the 20th century, they "find a quiet corner of North America and stay out of history's way."
- Trapped on Earth, in the 20th century, they build a base on the far side of the moon - and signal the Vulcans to please come and rescue them.
- Someone pulls up a starmap that clearly shows where Earth is, and makes relevant sense to someone who knows anything about astronomy.
- The Romulan peace treaty expires and Starfleet vessels are finally allowed to utilize cloak technology.
- The Romulans and Ferengi form an alliance - and decide to call themselves the Moral Majority.
- The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.
- The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World for no apparent reason, just because they were in the neighborhood.
- Worf tells all about that disturbing period in Klingon history when they looked just like Humans.
- An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
- Archer uncovers a secret Klingon plot to infiltrate the Federation by surgically altering their faces to make them look just like Humans, except for the beatnick biker beards.
- Archer begins desperately rambling incoherently to a hologram named Al, that only he can see.
- The Enterprise receives an incoming transmission originating: "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....."
- Picard receives a virtual postcard from Ambassador Spock, on Romulus: "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here."
- Data awakens from one of his dreams and declares that "the answer to everything, life, the universe, and everything, is, 42."
- Data's emotion chip manifests jealousy towards Riker's trombone, so he replicates a vintage 20th century Les Paul and rips out a series of wailing henious riffs.
- Someone activates Data's emotion chip during a tense situation and he accidentally wets himself.
- Data falls in love with the replicator.
- Dr. McCoy gets laid for once.
- Dr. McCoy says, "he's alive, Jim!"
- Scotty is found naked behind the warp engines, and exclaims, "I canna change the laws of physics!"
- Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
- Kirk or Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
- Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
- Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, and Riker joins them for a mutual honeymoon.
- Troi dumps Worf and Riker to spend more time on the holodeck with Reg.
- Troi's mother comes on to Picard, and he says, "Oh, the hell with it."
- Picard has a three-way with Troi's mother and Dr. Crusher.
- Janeway has a three-way with Seven and Tuvok.
- Worf has a three-way with Ursa and Betor.
- Worf encounters a fellow Klingon who doesn't laugh in his face, get his Klingon ass kicked in by him, or receive a lesson in true Klingon honor from him.
- When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
- Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
- Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
- Wesley exits a therapy session with Counselor Troi with a wry smile, saying only, "tantra, baby!"
- Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
- Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
- The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
- Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
- Wesley programs the computer to put everyones else, including Data, to sleep - and goes on a joyride at warp 9.
- Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
- Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
- Starfleet's "don't ask, don't tell" policy finally expires, and Tasha Yar and Counselor Troi celebrate by demonstrating NEW positions in Ten Forward.
- Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
- Q is surprised and somewhat impressed by something someone says.
- Q is shown delivering reports to his superiors.
- Q confesses that all along he's been merely an agent for Section 31, with a portable hologenerator.
- An episode features computer technology that isn't obsolete in real life by the time that show makes it to syndication.
- A major character spends the entire episode in the holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
- A holodeck character is informed of his fictional status, and says, "no, I'm not a hologram, you are!"
- Reg peeks in on Moriarty in the perpetual holo-module, only to discover that he has somehow discovered that they are still entirely photonic, found the virtual Romulans - and developed a way to make all of them real and all of the real universe into a hologram - as soon as Reg peeks in on them.
- Kim and Paris hook up their monochromatic holodeck programs to the Evil Parallel Universe - so the next time they're there, they'll be able to easily tell, because everything will be in black and white.
- The real reason why the the Evil Parallel Universe Mr. Spock has a beard is revealed - chix dig it.
- It is discovered that the Evil Parallel Universe was created by something that Data said to Mark Twain.
- Alien creatures are given names more creative than Denebian Slime Devil or Regulan Blood Worm.
- Alien menu items are given names more creative than Klingon Blood Wine or Romulan Brandy.
- An arch nemesis doesn't quote Shakespeare.
- Picard becomes increasingly perturbed because ships sensors cannot locate the white whale known as Moby Dick.
- Noting that "even numbered Star Trek movies don't suck," Berman decides to release odd numbered films as 30 second animated shorts - available for free download at startrek.com.
- A new movie premieres before everyone standing in line to buy early tickets has read the script online.
- Uhura or Troi show up for work one day in standard uniforms, because cleavage and mini skirts proved too much of a distraction.
- Data, on a lark, goes outside the ship and knocks on the window of Ten Forward, making silly faces at the patrons.
- Data's song "Lifeforms" goes quadruple platinum, and he is asked to appear on the 24th century version of Oprah, hosted by Lt. Uhura.
- Data renames his poem to his cat to "Felis Catus, Smellius - what has Worf been feeding you?"
- Species 8472 changes its slogan from "the weak shall perish" to "this week I shall puree radishes."
- The Borg changes its slogan from "resistance is futile" to "mean people suck, nice people blow."
- The Borg further augment their slogan from to "mean people spit, nice people swallow."
- The Borg and Dominion meet and decide to have it out with each other, leaving the Alpha Quadrant alone for awhile.
- The Borg assimilate a civilian Federation outpost, and thus lighten up a little bit.
- The Borg open up a wormhole and assimilate Peacekeeper Technology.
- Someone beams a buncha Tribbles onto a Borg cube - which they eventually jetison into space, forming a new furry nebula.
- Seven assimilates some technology - the old fashioned way.
- Dax reveals all her spots.
- Kira realizes the Prophets are just some weird aliens, and Sisko, the Emissary, is just some guy.
- Sisco contemplates his baseball for a moment, and throws it at someone's head.
- Quark donates 100 bars of gold pressed latinum to the Bajoran Widows Fund.
- Quark features a new exotic alien game in his casino that doesn't look remarkably like something from Vegas.
- Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so!"
- Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
- Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
- Picard hears the Beverly squeel and says "Come! Come! Come! Come! Come!"
- Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
- The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
- An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
- An unknown ensign sitting at ops appears in another episode.
- Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
- Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
- A Vulcan admits they secretly admire Humanity for being to deal with their emotions so well.
- A Vulcan appears displaying less emotion than the half-Human Spock.
- Kirk completes an entire thought without pausing to remember his lines.
- Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more than 1 consecutive episode.
- Kirk doesn't get into a fistfight.
- Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.
- Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
- The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.
these are the voyages
of the Starship Enterprise
on a continuing mission
to explore strange new worlds
to seek out new life
and new civilizations
to boldly go
where no one
has gone before