- Never drink while underwater. You might spill some, or the damn neighbor kids might have peed in the pool again.
- Beachballs, frisbees, rafts, nerf balls (and the like) are allowed and encouraged, but must be submitted to lifeguards beforehand for a thorough inspection.
- Running on the deck is verbotten, unless you are nude (and will thus have a natural cautionary gait). Violators will be subject to severe whistling. Compliant bathers will be whistled at pleasantly.
- Splashing is encouraged, and is considered an invitation to have sex. Accidental splashing is not exempt. Rain is considered automatic orgy.
- Those diving from the springboard are restricted to two bounces, and divers must immediately enter the pool afterwards (no bouncing on the deck first). High divers are restricted to one bounce (unless they jump immediately to a springboard). High muff-divers are advised to not freak out too much, or fall asleep, but are allowed to bouce as much as they want.
- Always be kind to your lifeguards, or they will forget who and where you are when you fall asleep in the deep end. Also, they might forget to clean out their mouths when recessing you.
- Absolutely no drowning allowed at any time. Violators will be hauled out of the drink and their chest will be fondled vigorously - a small crowd will gather, which will immediately applaud when they are brought back to life.
Thank You. Enjoy your swim.
